April and All it Brings

Ah, April - the start of the year's second quarter, the heart of spring. What a month you've been. You were better than March - and much better than February - I'll give you that, but you still weren't perfect, were you? From grey weather and chilly mornings to being swamped in university work and not feeling much joy in the things I once loved, it seemed you were here with nothing but bad. And yet, we began to turn a corner, did you and I, April.

Firstly - and most importantly - my health picked up. My joints stopped hurting quite as badly and I had the energy to do more. Menial tasks stopped leaving me lightheaded and short of breath, I didn't wake up every day hating myself and wondering why I should even bother, I could focus long enough to revise. I felt more myself.

Following on from this, I was able to increase my exercise again. Ah, the joys of depression that leaves you bedridden without even the slightest inclination to actually move. Coupled with the bone-deep tiredness that left me physically unable to move and it's safe to say my Fitbit hated me in March. But despite the April showers (and with the added incentive of Pokemon Go) I left the house. I walked. I did something.

April brought the end of uni, in some ways. I still have exams in May, but there are no more lectures. No more vitally important sessions I need to attend. Just revision. Which I'll get there with. For now, it's enough to know that some of the pressure is off, that I can start to unwind before second year hits in autumn.

In an unexpected turn of events, I was asked to live with a course mate next year. I accepted and the house hunt began, bringing with it a new surge of anxiety that was - surprisingly - noticed, accepted, and forgiven. Changing my mind won't be the end of the world, because it turns out there are people out there who understand.

The feelings of crippling isolation and loneliness began to ebb, but there still wasn't a real sense of belonging. The thought of being no one's first choice, no one's best friend lingered, and sure, there were messages sent to those I know, a trip to meet a close friend for lunch, and a blogger meet up planned for the end of the month, but still I feel.... Empty. Like there's a piece missing. Like I'm on the outside looking in on everyone else having fun and interacting with others. It's alienating, to say the least, and doesn't bode well for my mental health.

And yet... There's a blossoming hope deep in my mind that April is heralding a change. That things won't be always be as dark as winter made me believe. I'm just praying that I'm right.